i havent posted in quite a while. i dont really know whats been going on with me. i feel like part of me has almost made me forget what has happened cause it was becoming too much to bear. but how could i ever forget....
on the outside i seem fine, like im living my life, but deep deep down im torn apart, theres a black whole that i just want to dissapear into. these few days are going to be so hard, not only because it will be matts birthday but last year on the 23rd april was the last time i ever saw him. i remember it so well, we'd been to his party for his 30th on the 22nd and i stayed on the sofa cause i didnt want to stay at a strangers house. heidi made me breakfast and we had a detailed conversation about yoghurt haha! then matt drove me to the station, it was just me and him, noone else...we laughed and smiled together and then i had to say goodbye. i had to hold back my tears because i knew how much i was going to miss him, but at that moment i thought i would see him again. rigth now i just relive that memory over and over and it tears my heart apart....that was the last time i saw him. there was a proper good bye and everything i just didnt think it would be forever....
