what to say...

the past few days have been so hard, espesh this friday just gone. i was having a great day, trying to have a good memory day as it was now 11 months since matthew left. it was getting so hard and half way through the night i had to just stop and let it all out. i just couldnt face the thought of knowing what we are all gonnna be facing in a months time, less than that now. its a horrid thought and i know im not making it any better for myself by thinking about it being hard as that will then make it hard but i cant help it. it strange to think that this time last year we were all so happy so unaware of the tragady that was soon to strike our lives. and yet i still dont feel like i have come to terms with it in the slightest. ive been distracting myself which isnt always a good thing. like not going down to birmingham, i need to go but it will be too real so i don't. im sure that in time i will make it down again cause i love all you guys there so much and i never want you to think any different.

i feel bad for all of you reading this as i never seem to post very happy blogs but this is my outlet i guess for when my head gets too full at work and i need to scream or burst into tears, so now, instead, i write. it helps if only for the next half an hour.

hello hello

its been along while since my fingers have touched these keys, too long, so here i am back again! the past few months like the ones before have been filled with ups and downs. at the moment i have been struggling so much with my faith and i decided to talk to dave (my boyfriend who is not a christian) about this, and i think i got more from him than talkin to super holy people! he was just open and honest and didnt try to make things sound complicated and i think thanks to him that i will be staying at church as i was seriously thinkin about jacking it all in, its not that i dnt believe it, i do, i just don't really want to, it seems to make my life feel more complicated, i feel let down by god and without thinkin about it all it just makes life crap which doesn't feel half as bad as being let down and hurt by your 'father'.

anywhos my ups have been great and i am now thinkin of looking for a new job, as there are only a few things in life that you have control of and this is one of them so i shall try turn the things in my life round that i dont like and then hopefully when the uncontrollable things hit i wont have a deep hole to fall into just a safty net!

ta ta for now one and all!

anger

i do not understand how a woman who spilt a secret can get 8 years in jail yet a complete ********* (fill with which ever word you feel is needed) can be sent to jail for only 5 years for killing four people!!

the system is screwed

no more to say

goodbyes

i havent posted in quite a while. i dont really know whats been going on with me. i feel like part of me has almost made me forget what has happened cause it was becoming too much to bear. but how could i ever forget....

on the outside i seem fine, like im living my life, but deep deep down im torn apart, theres a black whole that i just want to dissapear into. these few days are going to be so hard, not only because it will be matts birthday but last year on the 23rd april was the last time i ever saw him. i remember it so well, we'd been to his party for his 30th on the 22nd and i stayed on the sofa cause i didnt want to stay at a strangers house. heidi made me breakfast and we had a detailed conversation about yoghurt haha! then matt drove me to the station, it was just me and him, noone else...we laughed and smiled together and then i had to say goodbye. i had to hold back my tears because i knew how much i was going to miss him, but at that moment i thought i would see him again. rigth now i just relive that memory over and over and it tears my heart apart....that was the last time i saw him. there was a proper good bye and everything i just didnt think it would be forever....

here is one more, that is also a great help. again by superchick. its called 'stand in the rain' the video isnt the official one but it means you can listen to the song at least and again i have put the lyrics down for you all. i dnt have a lot to say about this apart from it sounds like how i feel and the words in the courus are where i want to be. but im not there yet, but hopefully am on my way



"Stand In The Rain"

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

this is the music video for a song called we live by a group called super chick. ever since the worst day of my life happened i have not been able to see any possitive. and im not saying that there is a possitive out of what has happened, but listening to this song has helped me so much to feel better about my life, that it isnt over and that i can carry on. so i thought i would share it with you.



"We Live"

There's a cross on the side of the road
Where a mother lost her son
How could she know that the morning he left
Would be the last time she'd trade with him for a little more time
(so she could say she loved him one last time)
And hold him tight
But with life we never know when we're coming up to the end of the road
So what do we do then
With tragedy around the bend

We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love
We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

There's a man who waits for the tests to
See if the cancer had spread yet
And now he asks why did I wait to live 'til it was time to die
If I could have the time back, how I'd live
Life is such a gift
So how does the story end?
Well, this is your story and it all depends
So don't let it become true
Get out and do what we were meant to do

We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love
We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

Waking up to another dark morning
People are mourning
The weather in life outside is storming
But what would it take for the clouds to break
For us to realize each day
Is a gift somehow, someway
And get our heads up out of this darkness
And spark this new mindset and start on with life cuz it ain't gone yet
And tragedy's a reminder to take off the blinders and wake up
(to live the life)
We're supposed to take up
(moving forward)
With all our heads up
Cuz life

good morning to one and all fellow bloggers! i was reading my sisters blog (bunny) last night and flippin heck she has got the blog speak down to a T. where as i ramble haha. this morning is cold, i know this because for the first time in over a year i have had to get the bus to work. my car (claud) is poorly and is being fixed and emptying my bank account at the same time! hopefully i shall get him back today but you never know it might not be till tomorrow!!!!! hmmmm, not impressed! well work is now about to being so i shall go for now but will try and blog again properly soon

x

my thoughts at this moment

well i haven't posted for quite a while, don't know what ive been doing really. it has been so reasuring just now to read the blogs of the fellow sellers family. i feel out on a limb up north sometimes, by no fault of my own. i just cant seem to bring my self to go visit my family, because it isnt my family, i mean they are all my family and oh boy do i love them all, but there is one missing, and that is just too much of a reality check for me to be there and MFL not to be. i guess i try and pretend as much as i can which is easy to do up here away from the centre of this tragady. six months has gone by now and to be honest it has flown by, it has been the fastest six months of my life, yet each day seems to be the slowest that i have to deal with. its a strange feeling of having no feeling of the time that passes, all i feel is the pain, the bit thats missing. the happy memories are so easily forgotten because the pain is still so strong, i realise though that in time the balance will be restored and hopefully all my memories will return and by as happy and jolly as matt was. i have just read mrs teapots blog, the pictures are ace! i know we have the first one at home.

there really are so many memories of my life with matt in them, i always used to be so chuffed when him and alan came to stay, alan and sarah would run off and play as they are so close in age, and mat would stay with me, make time for me, make me feel so loved, and i know that i was. i can say now though that through the loss of FLN me and al have become so much closer, and for that i am so greatful. i was so scared of what i was going to do now he had gone, who was i meant to talk to, and the whole family have been great.

i dont know where this blog was meant to be heading or what it was meant to be sayin, i have simply being writtin what has come into my head. and i just want to say thank you for people support to me and to the rest of my family.

a perfect memory that i want to share

i wanted to share this photo with you all, unfortuantly the quality isnt very good but this is my favourite photo ever! i remeber it being taken like it was yesterday. i have always had and always will have such respect for mat. this started when i was very young (not quite 4 in this pic) because mat would spend time with me, play football with me, laugh with me, and make me feel cared for and happy. i dnt really have anything else to say but i hope that u like the picture, i keep it next to my bed so i can see it everyday.

phil is a wise man

at this moment in time i am still at work even though it is five to eight in the evening. purely because we have a drum kit at work so i have been going crazy :) the title of my blog is refering to my office manager who is also still here, although he is working. he is wise because i was wondering what to have for tea without having to cook, his wise answer was.......


TAKE OUT!!!

oh yes this man surely is a wise one!!!!

so soon i will be getting into my little car (claud) and heading to leeds to daves work to collect him and then to his house to order take out :) mmm i cant wait!

i am rather happy now as i have been drinking coke to get my energy back from drumming for an hour or so.

so world go get a can of coke, drink it with a smile and that smile will last you all evening :) eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

random blogs rule!

tata x

well i am currently sat on my friends sofa with his brothers cat who seems to be more mine than his as i get all the love and attention from her. although her drewling is a downside to her affection. the boys are playing on the ps2 on a game that simply seems to be killing each other with swords! im just putting it down to their small brains being easily entertained.

i got paid today so i am happy! i have been on my usual spree of buying all the things that ive wanted all month. i had one shop saving me a hoody for four weeks for me! (im a very loal customer!)

i am now rather sad as i had taken a photo of my friends cat but i cant find it on the computer :( never mind i might try find another photo to put on the end of this little blog.

at the moment at work i am writting my CV i am wanting to change jobs but i dont really know what i want to do, (any suggestions are welcome!!) i think i just want to work in a shop but there are no jobs free in the place i want (quicksilver).

well this has been a random blog full of nothing at all

take care one and all.

holidays over

sooooooo happy christmas and new year to all :)

its been a good end to the year i feel, christmas i found rather quiet but the fact that i was half asleep all day may have had something to do with that haha :) i was very lucky and got lots of lovely presents, including a goat!! well the goat itself went to people who needed it a bit more than i did but a pet goat is always a step in the right direction i feel!

New Year was my best yet, i went out in leeds and i cant say we painted the town red but my friend did randomly walk into someones house and appear at their window, whosever hosue it was they were they didnt seem to mind! i still havent been home since new years eve actually, what a rebel!!!

well tonight i shall return after my first day back at work! although i am thinking of leaving as its rather boring! it has been a good holiday full of me making mum cry with laughter by just doing anything, sarah makin mum cry with laughter by dancing around like a small fairy type thing and dad has made mum cry with laughter by running around like a dinosaur most of the time!