not feelin so good right now....

im not sure whats going on at the moment, im getting on with my life fine, just started uni all new beginings and that but i seem to be getting constant waves of realisation about whats happened in my life. i cant seem to move on from them or learn how to live with them. all i can see is so many people being taken away, even midge, a dog of a friend of ours got put down and ive known her since i was about 7 i think we worked out. and i know shes only a dog but honestly when u feel as crap as i do it is a much bigger event than normal, then stephan gately...it confuses me. ive always had death around, i lost grandma when i was 6 so i understand the natural process of death but its when there is no reason for it. it hurts me every single day, some days i dont want to get out of bed. the thought of going to church is hard as i dont feel i belong there anymore, ive never been a strong believer in heaven, personally i just want this to be it, live life then done. much easier to get ur head around. i know i sound so depressing but this is just how i feel and this is my only outlet where i speak truthfully. im not even gonna read this back cz i dnt want to read it lol. im just writting because my head is so full i cant sleep. its full of questions and my heart is full of hurt. i just wish i had a restart button and i could wake up in the morning with no more hurt, no more pain, no more wondering why dave didnt want me, why people that i care about the most have been taken away from me or moved away from me, just dont want any more....

its coming up,,,,,

ok so in just over a months time im gonna have to go through the one year marker of loosing my dear friend mark. of all days its on fathers day!

ive just been lookin at articles on the internet about him and have come across one with a picture of the accident on it and you can really see just how bad it was. i wasnt expecting to see it and its broken me, i havent grieved yet for mark as i cant come to terms with what has happened and have just been thinkin he's at uni this whole time. but now that ive seen this picture it seems to have released it all and right now im even struggling to breath...it hurts. my friend is gone. and i want him back. i know that life is unfair but this is just too far, i honestly dont think i will last out if i loose anyone else, im broken and im gettin further away from being mended... i know im still gonna have my good days, you always do, and i have college to concentrate on, i cant let it take over my life but right now, at this very moment in time i am broken beyond reapair and my whole body hurts with the pain of loosing my friend