my thoughts at this moment

well i haven't posted for quite a while, don't know what ive been doing really. it has been so reasuring just now to read the blogs of the fellow sellers family. i feel out on a limb up north sometimes, by no fault of my own. i just cant seem to bring my self to go visit my family, because it isnt my family, i mean they are all my family and oh boy do i love them all, but there is one missing, and that is just too much of a reality check for me to be there and MFL not to be. i guess i try and pretend as much as i can which is easy to do up here away from the centre of this tragady. six months has gone by now and to be honest it has flown by, it has been the fastest six months of my life, yet each day seems to be the slowest that i have to deal with. its a strange feeling of having no feeling of the time that passes, all i feel is the pain, the bit thats missing. the happy memories are so easily forgotten because the pain is still so strong, i realise though that in time the balance will be restored and hopefully all my memories will return and by as happy and jolly as matt was. i have just read mrs teapots blog, the pictures are ace! i know we have the first one at home.

there really are so many memories of my life with matt in them, i always used to be so chuffed when him and alan came to stay, alan and sarah would run off and play as they are so close in age, and mat would stay with me, make time for me, make me feel so loved, and i know that i was. i can say now though that through the loss of FLN me and al have become so much closer, and for that i am so greatful. i was so scared of what i was going to do now he had gone, who was i meant to talk to, and the whole family have been great.

i dont know where this blog was meant to be heading or what it was meant to be sayin, i have simply being writtin what has come into my head. and i just want to say thank you for people support to me and to the rest of my family.

a perfect memory that i want to share

i wanted to share this photo with you all, unfortuantly the quality isnt very good but this is my favourite photo ever! i remeber it being taken like it was yesterday. i have always had and always will have such respect for mat. this started when i was very young (not quite 4 in this pic) because mat would spend time with me, play football with me, laugh with me, and make me feel cared for and happy. i dnt really have anything else to say but i hope that u like the picture, i keep it next to my bed so i can see it everyday.

phil is a wise man

at this moment in time i am still at work even though it is five to eight in the evening. purely because we have a drum kit at work so i have been going crazy :) the title of my blog is refering to my office manager who is also still here, although he is working. he is wise because i was wondering what to have for tea without having to cook, his wise answer was.......


TAKE OUT!!!

oh yes this man surely is a wise one!!!!

so soon i will be getting into my little car (claud) and heading to leeds to daves work to collect him and then to his house to order take out :) mmm i cant wait!

i am rather happy now as i have been drinking coke to get my energy back from drumming for an hour or so.

so world go get a can of coke, drink it with a smile and that smile will last you all evening :) eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

random blogs rule!

tata x

well i am currently sat on my friends sofa with his brothers cat who seems to be more mine than his as i get all the love and attention from her. although her drewling is a downside to her affection. the boys are playing on the ps2 on a game that simply seems to be killing each other with swords! im just putting it down to their small brains being easily entertained.

i got paid today so i am happy! i have been on my usual spree of buying all the things that ive wanted all month. i had one shop saving me a hoody for four weeks for me! (im a very loal customer!)

i am now rather sad as i had taken a photo of my friends cat but i cant find it on the computer :( never mind i might try find another photo to put on the end of this little blog.

at the moment at work i am writting my CV i am wanting to change jobs but i dont really know what i want to do, (any suggestions are welcome!!) i think i just want to work in a shop but there are no jobs free in the place i want (quicksilver).

well this has been a random blog full of nothing at all

take care one and all.

holidays over

sooooooo happy christmas and new year to all :)

its been a good end to the year i feel, christmas i found rather quiet but the fact that i was half asleep all day may have had something to do with that haha :) i was very lucky and got lots of lovely presents, including a goat!! well the goat itself went to people who needed it a bit more than i did but a pet goat is always a step in the right direction i feel!

New Year was my best yet, i went out in leeds and i cant say we painted the town red but my friend did randomly walk into someones house and appear at their window, whosever hosue it was they were they didnt seem to mind! i still havent been home since new years eve actually, what a rebel!!!

well tonight i shall return after my first day back at work! although i am thinking of leaving as its rather boring! it has been a good holiday full of me making mum cry with laughter by just doing anything, sarah makin mum cry with laughter by dancing around like a small fairy type thing and dad has made mum cry with laughter by running around like a dinosaur most of the time!

woop

well last night i went to the manchester evening news arena to see tenacious D.....and in there own words they really did 'rock my socks off'!!!! they were awesome. i really wasnt up for going as i was driving and i didnt like the thought of the motorways but it was worth it! i went with my two pals and we all rocked hard!

a big woop for me was this past weekend when the cuz came to stay! oh how i have missed him so, and his stay was not long enough for me but it was great having him around it really really was! sitting and laughing on the sofa while we get as much food in our bellys as possible! i think he wud have had the whole bag of dohnuts if noone was watching :p

i have completed all my christmas shopping which is another woop in the bank! this year i have decided that christmas is for my family and really close friends ( i usually get presents for pritty much every person in church between the age of 16 and 20) but not this year! i am so excited about christmas now too! i think its going to be happy as mrs timelord said mr freelance nerd loved christmas so we will all try to make it the funkiest, happiest uba scuba cool christmas everrrrrrrr!

i unfortunatley do not have a pet raindeer that i could offer to help santa in replacement of robby and roudolf but i do have a rabbit called miffy. although she is getting rather fat so might way down the sliegh, i will try get a photo up though so you can all see her.

My car is in for its service today, i will have been driving for a year tomorrow!!! im rather excited and proud of myself :)

well todays post has been very random and full of things to be happy about take care one and all x

good day, i think not...

today i feel is to be a bad day as i am back at work for the first time in over a week (i have been off ill) but my fellow work companion does not appear to be here so i think i am to be left on my own all day, not knowing what to do as i am bein trained up by my fellow work pal........so i thought i would say a hello to people on here and ask, what are you doing with this grey day??

i feel a grey day is a golden oppertunity, wether it be to tidy ones room, to simply relax, to wrap all those christmas presents or to go internet shopping :) and im sure there are many other actually exciting things to do too!

so what shall i do with mine, well i will probably spend the next 8 hours getting colder and colder until its home time and then i have tea and bed, thats the best bit!

well i have been rambling alot looking at that, but the real reason i signed up to this was to help with how i feel....well i seem to have been getting by quite well recently until last night, when i spoke about it just randomly in a sentence, it was said like i had accepted it....but as soon as i sed it i knew i hadnt. it is so hard, it is getting easier i can say that and its the truth but with christmas coming, and with the love shared between friends and family i cant help but know that it is going to be the hardest christmas ever because for this family, everyone in it, there is going to be one person missing and that is the hardest thing ever!