i havent posted in quite a while. i dont really know whats been going on with me. i feel like part of me has almost made me forget what has happened cause it was becoming too much to bear. but how could i ever forget....
on the outside i seem fine, like im living my life, but deep deep down im torn apart, theres a black whole that i just want to dissapear into. these few days are going to be so hard, not only because it will be matts birthday but last year on the 23rd april was the last time i ever saw him. i remember it so well, we'd been to his party for his 30th on the 22nd and i stayed on the sofa cause i didnt want to stay at a strangers house. heidi made me breakfast and we had a detailed conversation about yoghurt haha! then matt drove me to the station, it was just me and him, noone else...we laughed and smiled together and then i had to say goodbye. i had to hold back my tears because i knew how much i was going to miss him, but at that moment i thought i would see him again. rigth now i just relive that memory over and over and it tears my heart apart....that was the last time i saw him. there was a proper good bye and everything i just didnt think it would be forever....
4 comments:
We will share our black holes with you.
I remember the party and the quiz for 1976 which caused a few laughs!
Give us a call anytime.
I am glad you write about how you feel. THis weekend will be hard for all of us, being the weekend last year of Matt's party.
He was so pleased that all 4 of his cousins came, and it was what wanted.
I still see a counsellor regularly as I have to talk and talk and talk about how I feel.
Crying is good,shouting is good, screaming is good, and one day our deep grief will lessen, bit at the ,moment we all feel bereft.
It's the price we pay for loving someone so much, and Matt was worth it.
So, have a big HUG from all of us, and remember you are not alone in how you feel. You are not going mad, it's just the awfulness of the shock and emptiness that remains.
HOld on to the memory, and as someone said to me this week, from the States, God probably has Matt welcoming people into heaven, as he was good at making people feel welcome.
People in Oz, America and Brazil miss him too.
We think of you all.
love you sis x
me too xx
Post a Comment