the past few days have been so hard, espesh this friday just gone. i was having a great day, trying to have a good memory day as it was now 11 months since matthew left. it was getting so hard and half way through the night i had to just stop and let it all out. i just couldnt face the thought of knowing what we are all gonnna be facing in a months time, less than that now. its a horrid thought and i know im not making it any better for myself by thinking about it being hard as that will then make it hard but i cant help it. it strange to think that this time last year we were all so happy so unaware of the tragady that was soon to strike our lives. and yet i still dont feel like i have come to terms with it in the slightest. ive been distracting myself which isnt always a good thing. like not going down to birmingham, i need to go but it will be too real so i don't. im sure that in time i will make it down again cause i love all you guys there so much and i never want you to think any different.
i feel bad for all of you reading this as i never seem to post very happy blogs but this is my outlet i guess for when my head gets too full at work and i need to scream or burst into tears, so now, instead, i write. it helps if only for the next half an hour.
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4 comments:
there are no magic words, quick fixes or cliches that will sort all we feel and will feel over the next few weeks.
we are going through an action replay with an ending in a nightmare
do not listen if anyone dares to suggest you should move on or life goes on or some such twaddle.
you do not have to come here to show how much you think of us and we are only a blog or a text away.
I have seen so much raw pain in the last year and there will be more. But we will not stop looking at the photos and reliving memories because in that we celebrate all who Matt still is.
So can you and we know that in the sharing of blogs like yours there is so much comfort because they tell us what a special guy you knew him to be and that makes you so much the more a part of the scene down here and close to us.
Amy, you are being honest about what you feel.I like that.
It helps us to know that you care so much and it has affected you so very deeply.We feel you share our pain.
We meet those who can tell us "The first year is the worst" as if after that, magically, it all begins to be better.
It can never "Be " better, and we have to somehow go on, at times when it seems hell.
Matt was so loved and so he is so missed.
Keep on writing, it does not bother us to read. In fact like hubby said, there is so much comfort in your words, knowing you loved him too.
If you read my blog, I poor my heart out in to it as I find it hard sometimes to say in words what I am feeling.
Matt was one of my closest friends as was Chris ...how do you come to terms with that sort of loss? I don't know, I don't know anyone who knows to be honest, but I have found being with people who loved Matt and Chris a great comfort. I do know God is always with you and only a Prayer away if you want to chat with him, I know that sounds trite but it is the truth.
Its good to be real, Matt wouldn't want anything less. He was always real about stuff. You don't have to have come to terms with it, I still can't believe it quite a lot of the time. I miss him every day. Sometimes I have a momentary laps thinking he will be at home after work, or he will be there when I wake up. It doesn't feel like a year since he went, but it feels like eternity since I saw him last. I can't see what I'm typing anymore!! Take care Amy, Love and hugs Heidi xxx
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