10th September 2016

As I sit here in my kitchen drinking my normal morning coffee, in the same house that I live in every day, with my dog Freddy, it is just another day…apart from today it isn’t. 10 years ago my cousin Matt was killed. It has changed me from who I was before. Not quite as much bounce resides in me, I have a constant worry in the back of my mind (could this happen again) and I live with the loss of Matt every day. Some days more than others don’t get me wrong, but it is always there. Sometimes it’s the painful memory but I am lucky that a lot of the time it is through happy memories, such as watching the sun set. It is these positives that I try to focus on the most. My favourite memory of Matt is that he would called me his ‘favourite cousin’. Now I know he will have loved us all the same, but for me it always meant so much. Matt was a lot older than me and I was the youngest of all the cousins. Sarah and Alan are very close in age and so Matt would always go out of his way to make sure I was having fun too and never felt left out. He was someone who lived to look after other people, he was such a fun and loving person who also had a very dry sense of humour. There is a picture of me and Matt back in 1991 standing by the garages at our house in Threshfield, even though it’s one of the memories that happened furthest away in time, it is certainly the one that is closest to my heart. As soon as I look at this photo I instantly feel loved by Matt and am reminded of a very happy childhood, which was luckily spent growing up seeing all of my cousins. It reminds me of the fact that he isn’t here but it’s a different feeling now than before. Sure the underlying feelings are the same but the way I have experienced them has changed over the past 10 years. I remember the extreme wave of sadness and pain that was felt initially, followed by such anger which I chose to direct at the driver responsible. It still turns my stomach writing that but it is different to before. For a while it consumed me, it was all I could see, all I could feel and that is a very dark place to be in. Over time though this started to subside, the difficulty was the lack of understanding and to this day, it is the part I struggle with the most; but I have to let that struggle go, a person cannot live struggling with such huge questions. I have to let that go. That was most certainly the hardest part to understand, that letting that struggle go did not mean I was letting Matt go. I am left with the memory, the love, the joy that he brought to me and many others. I am left with the picture of his smile and not of a car. I have changed because of all this but it is not all negative; I love harder, I appreciate the wonders of our beautiful world more, I have a deep feeling of beauty at every sunset I see, I am even more grateful to have my sister and she is my best friend in the world. I have changed. But I am still me.

not feelin so good right now....

im not sure whats going on at the moment, im getting on with my life fine, just started uni all new beginings and that but i seem to be getting constant waves of realisation about whats happened in my life. i cant seem to move on from them or learn how to live with them. all i can see is so many people being taken away, even midge, a dog of a friend of ours got put down and ive known her since i was about 7 i think we worked out. and i know shes only a dog but honestly when u feel as crap as i do it is a much bigger event than normal, then stephan gately...it confuses me. ive always had death around, i lost grandma when i was 6 so i understand the natural process of death but its when there is no reason for it. it hurts me every single day, some days i dont want to get out of bed. the thought of going to church is hard as i dont feel i belong there anymore, ive never been a strong believer in heaven, personally i just want this to be it, live life then done. much easier to get ur head around. i know i sound so depressing but this is just how i feel and this is my only outlet where i speak truthfully. im not even gonna read this back cz i dnt want to read it lol. im just writting because my head is so full i cant sleep. its full of questions and my heart is full of hurt. i just wish i had a restart button and i could wake up in the morning with no more hurt, no more pain, no more wondering why dave didnt want me, why people that i care about the most have been taken away from me or moved away from me, just dont want any more....

its coming up,,,,,

ok so in just over a months time im gonna have to go through the one year marker of loosing my dear friend mark. of all days its on fathers day!

ive just been lookin at articles on the internet about him and have come across one with a picture of the accident on it and you can really see just how bad it was. i wasnt expecting to see it and its broken me, i havent grieved yet for mark as i cant come to terms with what has happened and have just been thinkin he's at uni this whole time. but now that ive seen this picture it seems to have released it all and right now im even struggling to breath...it hurts. my friend is gone. and i want him back. i know that life is unfair but this is just too far, i honestly dont think i will last out if i loose anyone else, im broken and im gettin further away from being mended... i know im still gonna have my good days, you always do, and i have college to concentrate on, i cant let it take over my life but right now, at this very moment in time i am broken beyond reapair and my whole body hurts with the pain of loosing my friend

another day full of memories......

so... tomorrow is marks birthday. i hate that there are so many days in the year that will bring up the memory of people lost. it is also a good thing too but right now its hard to see the good side, currently these kinda days just make me feel empty all over again, especially with mark. i still cant quite come to terms with it all even now. i missed his funeral because i was on a plane to ecuador and i think for me that has had a massive impact on the reality of it all for me. it just feels like hes still at uni but then days like tomorrow come along, and thats when you know that something isnt right because instead of all going out to the pub, were all sat being quiet, thinking, remembering.....

strike two!

sunday morning - 00:12am

me and my friend poz were woken up by my parents with some terrible news, one of our dearest friends has been killed. mark was killed in a car accident on the saturday afternoon at around 3.30pm.

his funeral is due to be on either the tuesday or wednesday of the following week.
i am meant to be flying out to ecuador on the monday of that week.

i have so far come to the conclusion that life is shit.

i had been gettin on so well with what happened to matthew and literally a month ago i felt a huge change inside me like it was all gonna be ok, and then just as im back on my feet i get thrown back to the ground!

i know that life isntfair and that god does not always intervean but i personally right now feel that there is something not right here and that there are two people who have been takenfrom my life for no valid reason at all.

i am still in total shock, half denile, floods of realisation and then anger(the one im scared of)

what to say...

the past few days have been so hard, espesh this friday just gone. i was having a great day, trying to have a good memory day as it was now 11 months since matthew left. it was getting so hard and half way through the night i had to just stop and let it all out. i just couldnt face the thought of knowing what we are all gonnna be facing in a months time, less than that now. its a horrid thought and i know im not making it any better for myself by thinking about it being hard as that will then make it hard but i cant help it. it strange to think that this time last year we were all so happy so unaware of the tragady that was soon to strike our lives. and yet i still dont feel like i have come to terms with it in the slightest. ive been distracting myself which isnt always a good thing. like not going down to birmingham, i need to go but it will be too real so i don't. im sure that in time i will make it down again cause i love all you guys there so much and i never want you to think any different.

i feel bad for all of you reading this as i never seem to post very happy blogs but this is my outlet i guess for when my head gets too full at work and i need to scream or burst into tears, so now, instead, i write. it helps if only for the next half an hour.

hello hello

its been along while since my fingers have touched these keys, too long, so here i am back again! the past few months like the ones before have been filled with ups and downs. at the moment i have been struggling so much with my faith and i decided to talk to dave (my boyfriend who is not a christian) about this, and i think i got more from him than talkin to super holy people! he was just open and honest and didnt try to make things sound complicated and i think thanks to him that i will be staying at church as i was seriously thinkin about jacking it all in, its not that i dnt believe it, i do, i just don't really want to, it seems to make my life feel more complicated, i feel let down by god and without thinkin about it all it just makes life crap which doesn't feel half as bad as being let down and hurt by your 'father'.

anywhos my ups have been great and i am now thinkin of looking for a new job, as there are only a few things in life that you have control of and this is one of them so i shall try turn the things in my life round that i dont like and then hopefully when the uncontrollable things hit i wont have a deep hole to fall into just a safty net!

ta ta for now one and all!

anger

i do not understand how a woman who spilt a secret can get 8 years in jail yet a complete ********* (fill with which ever word you feel is needed) can be sent to jail for only 5 years for killing four people!!

the system is screwed

no more to say

goodbyes

i havent posted in quite a while. i dont really know whats been going on with me. i feel like part of me has almost made me forget what has happened cause it was becoming too much to bear. but how could i ever forget....

on the outside i seem fine, like im living my life, but deep deep down im torn apart, theres a black whole that i just want to dissapear into. these few days are going to be so hard, not only because it will be matts birthday but last year on the 23rd april was the last time i ever saw him. i remember it so well, we'd been to his party for his 30th on the 22nd and i stayed on the sofa cause i didnt want to stay at a strangers house. heidi made me breakfast and we had a detailed conversation about yoghurt haha! then matt drove me to the station, it was just me and him, noone else...we laughed and smiled together and then i had to say goodbye. i had to hold back my tears because i knew how much i was going to miss him, but at that moment i thought i would see him again. rigth now i just relive that memory over and over and it tears my heart apart....that was the last time i saw him. there was a proper good bye and everything i just didnt think it would be forever....

here is one more, that is also a great help. again by superchick. its called 'stand in the rain' the video isnt the official one but it means you can listen to the song at least and again i have put the lyrics down for you all. i dnt have a lot to say about this apart from it sounds like how i feel and the words in the courus are where i want to be. but im not there yet, but hopefully am on my way



"Stand In The Rain"

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

this is the music video for a song called we live by a group called super chick. ever since the worst day of my life happened i have not been able to see any possitive. and im not saying that there is a possitive out of what has happened, but listening to this song has helped me so much to feel better about my life, that it isnt over and that i can carry on. so i thought i would share it with you.



"We Live"

There's a cross on the side of the road
Where a mother lost her son
How could she know that the morning he left
Would be the last time she'd trade with him for a little more time
(so she could say she loved him one last time)
And hold him tight
But with life we never know when we're coming up to the end of the road
So what do we do then
With tragedy around the bend

We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love
We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

There's a man who waits for the tests to
See if the cancer had spread yet
And now he asks why did I wait to live 'til it was time to die
If I could have the time back, how I'd live
Life is such a gift
So how does the story end?
Well, this is your story and it all depends
So don't let it become true
Get out and do what we were meant to do

We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love
We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

Waking up to another dark morning
People are mourning
The weather in life outside is storming
But what would it take for the clouds to break
For us to realize each day
Is a gift somehow, someway
And get our heads up out of this darkness
And spark this new mindset and start on with life cuz it ain't gone yet
And tragedy's a reminder to take off the blinders and wake up
(to live the life)
We're supposed to take up
(moving forward)
With all our heads up
Cuz life

good morning to one and all fellow bloggers! i was reading my sisters blog (bunny) last night and flippin heck she has got the blog speak down to a T. where as i ramble haha. this morning is cold, i know this because for the first time in over a year i have had to get the bus to work. my car (claud) is poorly and is being fixed and emptying my bank account at the same time! hopefully i shall get him back today but you never know it might not be till tomorrow!!!!! hmmmm, not impressed! well work is now about to being so i shall go for now but will try and blog again properly soon

x

my thoughts at this moment

well i haven't posted for quite a while, don't know what ive been doing really. it has been so reasuring just now to read the blogs of the fellow sellers family. i feel out on a limb up north sometimes, by no fault of my own. i just cant seem to bring my self to go visit my family, because it isnt my family, i mean they are all my family and oh boy do i love them all, but there is one missing, and that is just too much of a reality check for me to be there and MFL not to be. i guess i try and pretend as much as i can which is easy to do up here away from the centre of this tragady. six months has gone by now and to be honest it has flown by, it has been the fastest six months of my life, yet each day seems to be the slowest that i have to deal with. its a strange feeling of having no feeling of the time that passes, all i feel is the pain, the bit thats missing. the happy memories are so easily forgotten because the pain is still so strong, i realise though that in time the balance will be restored and hopefully all my memories will return and by as happy and jolly as matt was. i have just read mrs teapots blog, the pictures are ace! i know we have the first one at home.

there really are so many memories of my life with matt in them, i always used to be so chuffed when him and alan came to stay, alan and sarah would run off and play as they are so close in age, and mat would stay with me, make time for me, make me feel so loved, and i know that i was. i can say now though that through the loss of FLN me and al have become so much closer, and for that i am so greatful. i was so scared of what i was going to do now he had gone, who was i meant to talk to, and the whole family have been great.

i dont know where this blog was meant to be heading or what it was meant to be sayin, i have simply being writtin what has come into my head. and i just want to say thank you for people support to me and to the rest of my family.

a perfect memory that i want to share

i wanted to share this photo with you all, unfortuantly the quality isnt very good but this is my favourite photo ever! i remeber it being taken like it was yesterday. i have always had and always will have such respect for mat. this started when i was very young (not quite 4 in this pic) because mat would spend time with me, play football with me, laugh with me, and make me feel cared for and happy. i dnt really have anything else to say but i hope that u like the picture, i keep it next to my bed so i can see it everyday.

phil is a wise man

at this moment in time i am still at work even though it is five to eight in the evening. purely because we have a drum kit at work so i have been going crazy :) the title of my blog is refering to my office manager who is also still here, although he is working. he is wise because i was wondering what to have for tea without having to cook, his wise answer was.......


TAKE OUT!!!

oh yes this man surely is a wise one!!!!

so soon i will be getting into my little car (claud) and heading to leeds to daves work to collect him and then to his house to order take out :) mmm i cant wait!

i am rather happy now as i have been drinking coke to get my energy back from drumming for an hour or so.

so world go get a can of coke, drink it with a smile and that smile will last you all evening :) eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

random blogs rule!

tata x

well i am currently sat on my friends sofa with his brothers cat who seems to be more mine than his as i get all the love and attention from her. although her drewling is a downside to her affection. the boys are playing on the ps2 on a game that simply seems to be killing each other with swords! im just putting it down to their small brains being easily entertained.

i got paid today so i am happy! i have been on my usual spree of buying all the things that ive wanted all month. i had one shop saving me a hoody for four weeks for me! (im a very loal customer!)

i am now rather sad as i had taken a photo of my friends cat but i cant find it on the computer :( never mind i might try find another photo to put on the end of this little blog.

at the moment at work i am writting my CV i am wanting to change jobs but i dont really know what i want to do, (any suggestions are welcome!!) i think i just want to work in a shop but there are no jobs free in the place i want (quicksilver).

well this has been a random blog full of nothing at all

take care one and all.

holidays over

sooooooo happy christmas and new year to all :)

its been a good end to the year i feel, christmas i found rather quiet but the fact that i was half asleep all day may have had something to do with that haha :) i was very lucky and got lots of lovely presents, including a goat!! well the goat itself went to people who needed it a bit more than i did but a pet goat is always a step in the right direction i feel!

New Year was my best yet, i went out in leeds and i cant say we painted the town red but my friend did randomly walk into someones house and appear at their window, whosever hosue it was they were they didnt seem to mind! i still havent been home since new years eve actually, what a rebel!!!

well tonight i shall return after my first day back at work! although i am thinking of leaving as its rather boring! it has been a good holiday full of me making mum cry with laughter by just doing anything, sarah makin mum cry with laughter by dancing around like a small fairy type thing and dad has made mum cry with laughter by running around like a dinosaur most of the time!

woop

well last night i went to the manchester evening news arena to see tenacious D.....and in there own words they really did 'rock my socks off'!!!! they were awesome. i really wasnt up for going as i was driving and i didnt like the thought of the motorways but it was worth it! i went with my two pals and we all rocked hard!

a big woop for me was this past weekend when the cuz came to stay! oh how i have missed him so, and his stay was not long enough for me but it was great having him around it really really was! sitting and laughing on the sofa while we get as much food in our bellys as possible! i think he wud have had the whole bag of dohnuts if noone was watching :p

i have completed all my christmas shopping which is another woop in the bank! this year i have decided that christmas is for my family and really close friends ( i usually get presents for pritty much every person in church between the age of 16 and 20) but not this year! i am so excited about christmas now too! i think its going to be happy as mrs timelord said mr freelance nerd loved christmas so we will all try to make it the funkiest, happiest uba scuba cool christmas everrrrrrrr!

i unfortunatley do not have a pet raindeer that i could offer to help santa in replacement of robby and roudolf but i do have a rabbit called miffy. although she is getting rather fat so might way down the sliegh, i will try get a photo up though so you can all see her.

My car is in for its service today, i will have been driving for a year tomorrow!!! im rather excited and proud of myself :)

well todays post has been very random and full of things to be happy about take care one and all x

good day, i think not...

today i feel is to be a bad day as i am back at work for the first time in over a week (i have been off ill) but my fellow work companion does not appear to be here so i think i am to be left on my own all day, not knowing what to do as i am bein trained up by my fellow work pal........so i thought i would say a hello to people on here and ask, what are you doing with this grey day??

i feel a grey day is a golden oppertunity, wether it be to tidy ones room, to simply relax, to wrap all those christmas presents or to go internet shopping :) and im sure there are many other actually exciting things to do too!

so what shall i do with mine, well i will probably spend the next 8 hours getting colder and colder until its home time and then i have tea and bed, thats the best bit!

well i have been rambling alot looking at that, but the real reason i signed up to this was to help with how i feel....well i seem to have been getting by quite well recently until last night, when i spoke about it just randomly in a sentence, it was said like i had accepted it....but as soon as i sed it i knew i hadnt. it is so hard, it is getting easier i can say that and its the truth but with christmas coming, and with the love shared between friends and family i cant help but know that it is going to be the hardest christmas ever because for this family, everyone in it, there is going to be one person missing and that is the hardest thing ever!

good day to all

well hello to one and all, i have decided to join this crazy world of blogging as i seem to now be the only one without one! i mean even the reindeer have their own blog, i really need to get with the times. like many of my soon to be pals on here i too have been missing Mr freelance nerd very much so, in fact a lot recently, it has only really started to sink in what has happened. so i guess that's one reason why i started this blog, to help it all, writing it down is a great help, and to be able to share with others who are feeling similar. i am hoping to go and visit Mr and Mrs Timelord and the family soon with purple pippin which would be great!